I’ve been a terrible friend for the last few weeks.
And no, nothing’s changed. I’ve acted the same as I always do, the only difference is, this time it was with new people. And it just highlighted how messed up some of my behaviour is.
I usually never go to people with problems. If you’re the same - you’re happy to give randomers 2h of your life to talk about their issues, but blank your friends for weeks when you’re not feeling ok, refusing to open up - I hope this helps.
My previous thought process: I couldn’t waste someone’s time with my issues. My problems are my fault. I don’t have ‘real’ problems, I’ll go to others when I really need to.
Well if you, like me, thought you’re such a generous, good human for sparing others your woes, let me just tell you: we’re both selfish tw*ts.
It’s not generous to spare others my problems - it’s my ego thinking I need ‘bigger’ ones to actually make a big deal out of.
That others might think I’m weak, stupid, immature, emotional (when we all know I’m too often all of those things).
That my friends might suddenly realise the poor choices I make, how vulnerable I am sometimes, that I’m spending all day thinking about just myself.
But that’s all absolutely fine.
How much freer would I feel if my friends knew how vulnerable and immature I can be? If they knew that I was crying?
How much more mature would I be if I admitted that it’s my perfectionist ego holding me back and not my generosity?
So I’ve admitted it. And honestly, I’ve flipped the switch. The good thing about my self-directed anger is that it does always allow me to implement immediate and permanent changes. And so I’m no longer going to be tw*t. I’m going to people with problems asap, not 4 weeks later.
Here’s an honest sorry to all my friends in the past, and one in the present in particular.
Hoping you all have a great week,