View profile

Everything has changed

Everything has changed
By Elizabeth Filips • Issue #29 • View online
(This is a very self-indulgent one, feel free to skip it!) 
How often do you look at your life and not recognise yourself? 
I still have the same dimples and tendency to mentally escape to Hogwarts that I had at the age of 8, but so much else has changed. Recently, I seem to be living a different life every few weeks. 
Some changes have crept up on me, undetected until someone else points them out: the ginger in my hair is fading as I spend less summers outside. Others happen overnight and hit me like a truck.
My experiment of not allowing myself to think about the past (especially as I fall asleep) has been going amazingly, but that means that I’ve felt less and less ready for the switch-ups, and when they do happen, I wonder how I got here. There’s so many trucks crashing. 
Today one of my favourite online creators said it would be an honour to have me attend their course for free. Crash. 
Today I was offered the job role of my dreams. Crash.
Just a few years ago I worked as a waitress at a restaurant where I was not allowed to do the cashing up of the money (they wouldn’t trust my mathematical skills to get it right). I’ve been going through a day of flashbacks, memories of all the (recent) times I’ve been over the moon for £10/hour, of all the jobs I’ve been told off for taking initiative beyond my paygrade, scolded for outworking my managers and wanting to quit but feeling I had no other options. 
I know I tread the line of pointless pain and suffering carelessly, sometimes properly taking a hike into the territory of needless self-flagellation, but I honestly don’t think I’d be here today without that Elizabeth. 
While I do wish I had earlier and better examples of standing up for myself, confidence, being a go-getter and understanding the professional world, I think it’s overall ok that I got to work on all these a bit later.
I remember my timidness, fear and self-doubt. I even often feel them, but against different challenges, different players, in a completely different game. 
Everything has honestly changed.
I wish I could be more specific, but I just needed an emotional brain-dump. If this resonated, I’d love to hear from you. Do you recognise yourself?
Wishing you an absolutely brilliant week,
Elizabeth xx

🪄 Quote of the week
“Sometimes, I’m not a participant in my own life. I’m an observer of that guy who’s doing it.”
Jocko Willink, with Readwise
Did you enjoy this issue?
Elizabeth Filips

Hiya, I'm Elizabeth, a medical student and artist in London. Every Sunday I write about exploring meaning, productivity, little pleasures and just navigating life. And some of my favourite things that week.

In order to unsubscribe, click here.
If you were forwarded this newsletter and you like it, you can subscribe here.
Powered by Revue